Hey lovely’s! Today’s post is something that I’ve been wanting to talk to you guys about yet was hesitant to put out their for the world to see. Most people don’t know this, not even my old friends from school, but when I was thirteen I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and I have been battling it ever since.
Growing up I was always a great kid, I never had any problems and I never got into trouble. When I got into the seventh grade life became a little more difficult, not school wise, but I just felt so emotionally drained and anxious all the time. It got so bad where I ended up missing almost three months of school and by the time eighth grade year rolled around I was still laying in my bed consumed in Netflix and a philosophy that if I avoided my problems maybe they would go away.
Obviously I was wrong, avoiding your problems is never the answer because no matter how hard you try they are going to be their until you face them and prove that you are stronger then your anxiety.
I ended up having to go back to school which was of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was crying all day and begging my mom to come and pick me up because I didn’t want to be at school anymore, I couldn’t be at school anymore.
After a little while of battling with my school over attendance issues my mother and I had a meeting with some people from my school and some lady from the district. They said that I needed to get my attendance on track or their would be consequences. I knew this meant I would have to start going to school everyday which made my anxiety even worse than it already was.
My mom contacted my old pediatrician who had recently switched to the psychiatry field and she agreed to see me and do an evaluation and everything. She diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, put me on medication, and recommended that I start going to a partial program which was basically like school but half the day we did therapy and two hours each morning we did school work.
Being at the partial program really helped but it didn’t cure anything. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t going to be able to cure my anxiety, I just had to learn to control it and deal with it.
After leaving the partial program I started at this special school which is just one classroom with only six other kids which helped me a lot because part of my anxiety was being around a lot of people tended to cause extra stress for me.
I’ve been at this special school ever since January 31 and after battling with the school I used to be at I will be able to stay where I’m at for the rest of the school year, or at least that’s the hope.
What I left out of this post, what I haven’t even told my parents, is that my anxiety has been getting worse again. I feel it growing inside of me planning it’s attack. I suffer from chronic daily migraines that were related to my anxiety and I hadn’t gotten one for a while and now I’m getting one almost everyday again. They’ve been so bad that a couple weeks ago I had to go and get a pain shot. My neck and shoulder muscles have been so stiff and sore that if I use them even to write a paper it ends up hurting to the point where I have to load up on Ibuprofen.
I’ve never been a social person but lately it’s like I don’t want to do anything but lay in my bed all day. I don’t really know how to explain it other than just feeling blah… Do you know what I mean? Maybe you do or maybe you have no idea what the heck I’m talking about.
To help you better understand my anxiety and how it feels for me I wrote this thing called “Living With Anxiety” which is basically what my anxiety feels like. I hope you enjoy.
They say I am anti-social, quiet, shy, living in isolation. Is it a crime? Maybe I just enjoy the quiet. The five minutes of relaxation before my anxiety eats me whole, again. It feels like acid burning through the lining of my stomach .I have to sprint down the hallways at school to avoid the twenty, forty, sixty kids headed straight for me. It feels like someone is choking me from the inside out. My anxiety wraps around me like a corset, squeezing my insides. I try to breathe but I can’t because my demons are holding my lungs hostage .How can you outrun your demons when they have taken refuge in your own mind? My anxiety consumes me. I think about the past, the future, the present, I think upside down and inside out, I think sideways and backwards. Anyway there is to think, I have thought it. The constant panic. The questions racing through my mind. What if I have to talk to someone? What if I say the wrong thing? What if something doesn’t go as planned? What if? I just want to cry and scream and shout but instead I put on a smile and pretend to be okay, because maybe then my demons will just go away. I’m scared. Trying to calm myself down only makes my heart beat faster. I can hear the pounding in my ears as if someone was compressing my heart. One, twenty, ninety, one hundred fourteen beats in the sixty seconds they have allowed per minute. Before I leave the house I make step by step instructions for me to follow in order to avoid unnecessary human interaction so that I can spare myself some of the pain that is my anxiety. Telling me that I’m okay is not going to help me because I already know, there is no problem, nothing is wrong. I just wish my body would understand that. My heart is racing, I feel weak in the knees, I can barely breathe. I feel dizzy, I might pass out. Hello, Mr. Anxiety. I constantly ask myself, why me? What did I do that was so bad that I deserve to be punished like this? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why can’t I stand in the line at the grocery store without feeling like I’m drowning on dry land? Why can’t I leave my bed in the morning without having to climb over a mountain of worry? But, that’s not even the worst part. I learned how to smile, how to grin and pretend that the weight of the world is not on my shoulders. If I pretend it’s not there, maybe it will go away. They think because they can’t see it, it’s not really there. They think that because I’m not bleeding or carrying the extra weight of a plaster cast that there must not be anything wrong. They think, you, think that because my hair is pulled up into the perfect ponytail, my blouse is wrinkle free, and I’m wearing makeup, that everything must be perfect, you think I have it all put together. You can’t see my demons, but I assure you they are there.